Monday, October 31, 2005

An ode to beetroot...and Jamie Oliver

I am addicted now. Ever since the market at uni started selling bags of fresh beetroot, I've been eating tons of the stuff.

We had a couple of beets left over from my latest batch of borscht and I went off on a great web-search for interesting recipes, whereupon I discovered Jamie Oliver's website and this recipe for baked beetroot with garlic & balsamic vinegar. YUM! It was the best Sunday evening supper ever.

Mmmmmmm

I'm so disappointed that despite eating all this beetroot my wee has yet to turn pink.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

We're moving....

To High Wycombe.

I got an NHS Assistant Psychologist post in a Learning Disabilities Team.

Woooo...kind off. We've got to leave our wee flat...*sniff*...and our friends *wails*.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

This job...that job...the other job

I've just been offered that elusive thing I've been searching for....an Assistant Psychologist (AP) job!

Its in a charity working with people with learning disabilities. I was impressed by the set-up - its working partly in a residential facility and partly in the community. All of the staff (I've met the manager, some of the care staff and the current APs) seemed geninely nice, friendly people and the whole place does seem to be a really friendly, people-centred place to work. The psychologist was absolutely lovely and in the interview, we did actually have a long discussion about the pros and cons of working for the charity versus the NHS and the potential for getting on to a training course from the position. I am stunned that after such a frank discussion and my own admission that I might be put off the job by the fact it wasn't NHS that they offered me the job!

The job is very heavily clinical - most of the work is direct client contact with relatively little audit/administrative work. The supervisor was fantastic - I really felt I clicked with her. She likes to work systemically (which is something I'm seriously interested in) and says she will insist on a minimum of one hour formal supervision a week and to expect much more in informal supervision as there is a lot of clinical responsibility in the job. There's also lots of working within a mul-disciplinary team, training care staff etc. Its the kind of post I think I need as I have oodles of research experience and a lot of child psych experience so this would be an entirely new area for me.

My only dilemma is that it isn't an NHS post and the pay is peanuts (less than the NHS - shocking isn't it!). I've been applying for some of the senior AP positions in the NHS and I'm still waiting to hear back from several of them. Its very competitive and I don't want to shoot myself in the foot by holding out for another job offer and then not getting one! On the otherhand, if I were to be offered another post, was impressed by the psychologist in the interview, it was NHS and the pay was substantially higher...I can't say I wouldn't be sorely tempted! I don't like messing people around, so I want to give them a straight yes or no answer. I just wish I could wait to hear back from other places first.

I have one week to decide...answers on a postcard please...

But on a more positive note. Look what partner dude surprised me with this morning :D. Thank you darling!

Friday, October 21, 2005

All our senses

All our senses are given to us to enjoy,
And to praise God.
The smell of the sea,
The blossom borne on the wind,





of the soft flesh of a little baby;








the taste of a ripe plum









or bread fresh from the oven,

















the feel of a warm cat's fur,










or the body of a lover -
these are all forms of thanksgiving prayer.








-Bella Brown (in 'Plain Living - A Quaker Path to Simplicity' by Cathering Whitmire)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

5 things

Courtesy of Amanda...

What I was doing 10 years ago:
I was 15, right this moment, I was probably waiting for the bus to take me home from school. I was far to studious.

5 years ago:
I was on placement in a child mental health clinic and really enjoying it. I was running a telephone helpline and raising riot in studentland. Ah, those were the days. *sigh* (and omg, was it really 5 years ago...)

1 year ago:
I was just starting the third year of my PhD. Again, being far to studious. Getting fed up with it and preparing myself to move to NYC for 4 months. Actually, maybe I was also preparing to go to Oslo. That was fun :) Actually, it wasn't that fun because it was work related and I had to be at booorrrriiiinnnggg talks from 8am til 10pm most days. But the day I had off was fun. I discovered that handles on coffee cups are not the norm in Norway. :D

Yesterday:
I worked from 9am til midnight. Yawn. But I did get to re-acquaint myself with a fantastic album from my youth, so all is not lost!

5 snacks I enjoy:
clementines (I love them!)
dairy milk (Americans, you don't know what you are missing)
maya gold (mmmmm & guilt free - organic fair trade yummyness)
blueberry muffins
green tea (not really a snack, but I like the stuff a lot)

5 songs I know all the words to:
Imagine (John Lennon)
Closest Thing to Crazy (Katie Melua)
These are the Days (Jamie Callum)
Eye to the Telescope (KT Tunstall)
Fields of Gold (Sting...was it him originally tho?!)
& far too many embarrassing happy clappy crappy Jesus songs :S

5 Things I would do with $100 million:
Pay off my student loan
Give a lot of it away to some worthy charity
Fund a few students who wouldn't otherwise be able to go to uni
Buy a house & pay off my mum's mortgage
Go on a world tour with partner dude

5 locations I would like to run away to:
Scottish Highlands
West Coast of Ireland (ok, the first two aren't very imaginative, but they're the most quiet, peaceful places on earth...well, in the UK anyway)
India (although I doubt I could cope with the heat)
New Zealand
Thailand

5 bad habits I have:
I chew my nails
I procrastinate
I stay up too late
...and get up too late as a consequence :S
I am messy sometimes

5 things I like doing:
Going to quiet, remote places where I cannot be contacted
Web geekery related activities
Volunteer work
Watching arty farty films & documentaries
Spending time with partner dude & friends

5 things I would never wear: (We need visuals!)
hot pants (it wouldn't be pretty, ok!)
a cat suit
um, um, um, um
I'm not sure if I can think of anything else!

5 TV shows I like:
ER
Jamie Oliver stuff
The Apprentice
The X-factor
How Clean is your House (I know, terrible choices...sorry!)

5 biggest joys of the moment:
The prospect of a job change!
Spending time with partner dude
Spending time with friends
Seeing my PhD looming towards an end (on occasion I get a glimpse of it - about 1 second a week, but still, that's 1 second a week when I see an ending)
Entering data...a lot of it :)

5 Favorite toys:
Partner dude's computer
I'm, um, I'm, er, out of toys...how pathetic is that?! Ok, I need new toys! :(
I want an ipod!

5 Next victims:
Well, whoever does it!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

All I really want...

...is a life.

Its 8pm, I've just spent a day at work teaching...

-t-tests
-one way anova
-how to enter more complex data sets
-repeated measures anova
-mixed design anova
-main effects & interactions
-post-hoc comparisons
-controlling for multiple comparisons using simple effects analysis

...to second year students who are still struggling with very basic statistic concepts. Oh and, btw, they have a test on this next week that counts to their final grade...watch my inbox swell...

Hmmm. I taught this course last year and I'm sure we taught all that over the course of a term - not in one 2 hour tutorial?! (I don't design the course, in case you're wondering why I would do such a thing!)

Now I am entering data (I am grateful to have data, no really I am) at 8pm at night, having been at work til 7pm. Thankfully partner dude has escaped to the pub for the evening, leaving me at home to crank up good old Alanna at her angiest.

How appropriate.

Tips on stress management welcome.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I can relate...


Friday, October 14, 2005

39% evil, 61% good

I'm disappointed - I wanted to be more evil..

This site is certified 39% EVIL by the Gematriculator
This site is certified 61% GOOD by the Gematriculator

How does your blog fare? Find out here

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Woah...

When I was in New York I volunteered at a homeless shelter for a while. Some of the young people who I met when I was there are featured here.

Seeing their photos brought back to me some of the harsh realities I discovered in New York. I've been writing another job application today, and on it I mention my experiences with these young people as giving me a greater awareness of diversity issues and the specific needs of minority communities. Is that really all it is to me? Something to add to my CV. God, I hope not.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Borscht cravings

I spent the first 3 and a half months of 2005 in New York. While I was there I spent a lot of time with Friends from Fifteeth Street Meeting.

Fifteenth street is very close to an area of New York with a lot of eastern european people and more importantly a restaurant called Little Poland, which is very popular with members and attenders of 15th St.

Anyways, to cut a long story short, I spent a lot of time in Little Poland slurping borscht and munching peroggi - and that's to say nothing of the outrageously yummy apple cake.

Ever since I have had cravings for borscht, which I put to an end to day when I went to the market and found a lot of beetroot. I stocked up and tonight I made my very own borscht.

YUM

My cravings are satisfied (I'm not pregnant, honest).

Anyway, in the style of Paul Turner, and especially for Lorcan, Ryan and Amanda (who I ate just far tooo much borscht with), I thought I'd post the photos :)

Borscht
Borscht for two

Life - a gift?

I am in the last 3 months of my PhD funding. Ideally I want to finish by Christmas, but this doesn't look all that promising right now. I'm bored and frustrated, job hunting and hoping beyond hope that somehow I'll find the energy and motivation to finish this thing.

I try to see life as a gift. It is an immense joy to experience life - to live, to breathe, to love, to simply be alive. I try to appreciate it and milk it for all its worth. But, my attitude for the last few weeks, maybe even months hasn't been to accept this stage of my PhD as a gift, but rather as a curse, to be got over as quickly as possible so that I can collapse at the end of it, have my viva, make my amendments (if they tell me to re-submit or do more studies, the answer will be no way on this sweet earth), get the binded copies into the library, give one to my dad and get on with life and put this whole damned charade behind me.

But this is not a way to live. This quotation from John Woolman spoke to me.

"Open your eyes to the flaming vision
of the wonder of such a life.
Begin where you are. Now.
If you slip and stumble
don't spend too much time in anguished regrets
and self-accustions but begin again
Don't grit your teeth and clench your fists and say,
"I will! I will!" Relax.
Take hands off. Submit yourself to God...
Let life be willed through you.'


So can these next few months be accepted as a gift to unwrap and celebrate? They will be tough, I have no doubt about it. But can I accept them with joy? I'll try, I will try to stop and remember what a wonder it is simply to be. Maybe its ironic that after reading some Woolman, by thoughts turn to a quotation I read in Dawkin's 'Unweaving the rainbow' which said, 'To live at all is miracle enough.' Indeed it is - even if it means the inevitable frustration and turmoil that come with finishing a PhD.

Although damn it, I still just want a holiday free of PhD worries...)

Friday, October 07, 2005

Truth is my authority




I stumbled across a quotation the other day that brought back memories of leaving evangelicalism behind.

"Truth is my authority, not some authority my truth.'
~Mary Dyer

I remember reading it in a book and saying to myself, 'Yes, that's how I want to live my life,' kissing away the authority of preachers, churches and ancient books and opening myself up to follow my own heart and wherever honesty and integrity would lead me.

Its been one year since partner dude and I started attending Quaker meetings. One aspect of Quakerism that I find rings consistently true and perpetually challenging is the honesty testimony. Being honest 100% of the time is tough.

To be consistently honest in my work, not taking shortcuts (hey, I'm a research student - we like shortcuts). Now, as I apply for various jobs and have to present myself honesty, not fluffing up my application forms and trying to find a way to put my true self across in interviews (not just what I think they want to hear) - that's not easy.

But also in my own personal journey of discovery and exploration. Finding a way to be true to my experience and to follow the inner voice, questionning, reflecting, being totally honest. That's tiring. Sometimes it would be nice to have a book to turn to for absolute guidance (but Quaker texts are full of soul searching questions, and even the Bible itself is more of a blinding light than a guiding one!)

But this is where honesty, integrity and truth will lead, and that's where I want to go. True to myself, true to the world and true to others.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Too English to be ex-gay?

It has been really interesting to spend time with Peterson and hear what some of we good English folk have to say about the ex-gay movement. Here's the question - is it relevant here? Ok, so we don't have our very own homonomo half-way house, we don't have an ex-gay media presence - indeed, surely we quite Brits are too busy slurping tea over cucumber sandwiches (no crusts) and munching digestive biscuits to be bothered about converting homosexuals?

Not so, I promise.

I grew up in an evangelical church and in my late teens and very early 20s I was very involved in the charismatic movement - and trust me, misguided ideas about homosexuality are as prominent here as they are on the other side of the Atlantic.

The church I went to was affiliated with Ichthus and I once went on a whole week long Ichthus camping experience (yes, it was as hellish as it sounds...don't ask me about the "prophetic music making" sessions...*shudders*). At that conference, books by people such as Leanne Payne and Mario Bergner came highly recommended at the bookstall. That's where Ichthus leaders get their information about sexuality.

People in my church gave me said Leanne Payne book early on in my psychology degree. It was disturbing - anyone with half an inkling about psychological theory would know instantly how utterly crack-potted it is. But, I fear most church leaders don't have even a basic grounding in psychology or even decent counselling theories that would enable them to critically evaluate such books in the light of what modern science and psychology can tell us about same-sex attraction.

Another recent phenonemon in the evangelical movement in this part of the world is the growth of Christian Counselling. It was once recommended to me, in one of the largest charismatic churches in the UK, certainly the largest in the city where I live, that I should go on such a course so as to ensure that I had a solid Christian grounding in my work. I declined the offer in favour of attending training accredited by mainstream counselling regulatory bodies and the British Psychological Society (our equivalent of the American Psychological Association.) Some Christian leaders weren't impressed by my choice, but even as a committed charismatic Christian, I recognised the pitfalls of a counselling service operating within local churches and overseen by people with a specific religious agenda. I so regret resisting the temptation to say, 'I hear what you're saying about having a solid Christian foundation, but I'd rather have an evidence base.' Me-ow. ;)

Out of curiosity, I searched for 'homosexuality' on the Association of Christian Counsellors and found an advertisement for an Exodus conference.

My lovely and very kind house group leaders were convinced that gay people, if offered support could be celibate and have a very special relationship with the Holy Spirit. My pastor when I attended an AOG/Ichthus affiliated church and who is one of the most personable and compassionate people, publically preached that we knew homosexuality to be unnatural because we know penises don't belong up anuses. In another Ichthus church I went to, a senior leader denounced the appointment of Jeffrey John as Bishop of Reading as a sign of the terrible unrighteousness in the church and my youth leader in a Northern Irish lifelink church used to call things 'gay' when he didn't like them. 'Oh, what a gay piece of music,' and that sort of thing.

And yes, I even know people who have attempted to cast out those evil and depraved demons of homosexuality. How nice.

Was I involved in unusual crack-pot churches? No, I was not. I was just aware of what was going on because some of my closest friends were gay Christians - some of them still are, but many have left churches and are pursing their own spirituality, some still hurt from the rejection caused by well-meaning but very very misguided Christians.

I'm telling you now - all this is going on behind the scenes in a church near you - yes, even the ones with cucumber sandwiches, and most likely in the ones with a lively and active group of young people.

I'd be really interested to know if anyone else has had similar (or different) experiences. There are, obviously, some gay affirming churches in the UK and many of the more traditional Anglican and Methodist churches are very open. Indeed, I know a URC trained lay-reacher who says she thinks its a crying shame that Rowan Williams has let himself be influenced by those terrible evangelicals. And although, I appreciate that the situation may be more complex than that - I also sympathise with the sentiment.

But hey, next time I get asked why I have an interest in the ex-gay movement and if its really only a crazy American thing...I'll just refer them to this blog post.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Lets be sexy

"There is no such creation as a "gay" or "homosexual" person." So say Love in Action, the increasingly infamous treatment program for homosexuals.

You know I almost agree with them.

I've had a social constructivist bent ever since I studied at a centre for research into intellectual disabilities and did my undergraduate project in cultural representations of childhood in the language used during Parent-Child-Interaction-Therapy. I must admit, it is probably to the chagrin of my current die-hard positivist PhD supervisors that after 3 years of squeezing myself into a rather medicalised research group, I am more convinced than ever of the need to consider the implications of social constructivist philosophy for mental health.

But I digress, and I'm sure my intellectualised rants about the philosophy of science and the manner in which the underlying beliefs behind psychological theories and priniciples may be oppressive to people with mental illness are probably not of much interest. But brushing up on social constructionism has reminded me how much our experience of the world is associated with the language we use.

Partner-dude and I have been priveleged to have Peterson staying with us this weekend - so naturally we've spent a lot of time discussing queer issues.

I wonder why do we categorise people's sexuality by the gender of who they fancy.

Am I, someone who has always been attracted to males really so simple as to be 'heterosexual'. Am I incidentally homosexual because I posed for a camera, kissing a female friend once (the joys of photo pub crawls...and the ensuing embarrassment when a photograph of said incident made it into the hands of some of my conservative Christian friends!)

I suspect that our language constrains us to think about sexuality along the dimensions of heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. And, I'm not denying that this has any relation to reality - some are attracted to people of the opposite sex, and some people are attracted to people of the same sex and some people are attracted to both.

But I don't think these dimensions really do justice to the diversity of human sexual desire and expression and our society's obsession with these dimensions may limit our discussions on issues around sexual ethics.

So is my sexuality heterosexual - yes if you want to define it as such, but that's certainly not the whole story. My sexuality is about myself as a sexual being and part of that means taking care of myself, eating well, exercising, breathing in the fresh air and escaping the office once in a while. I express it with my partner curled up under fluffy blankets watching arty films, discussing good books, shouting at political commentators on the news, ranting about the boredom of doing a PhD, sharing Haagen-Daz under the duvet and much much much shared laughter. Its everything from subtle looks, cheeky games of footsie, deep friendship, gentle kisses and passionate snogs to overwhelming urges to rip off all my partner's clothes, blindfold him and tie him to the bedposts...ok, maybe that was too much information ;)

But these things are all part of my sexuality, all things I want to share with my partner, and in so doing I find a wealth of sexual expression that is far broader, far more wonderful and far more fun that saying "I am heterosexual, I desire vaginal intercourse with men." I wonder if we could change the ways in which we think about our sexualities would it help us better engage in discussion about what our sexuality means for us and how it can be lived well. The importance of whether you do men or women seems to pale in comparison to the tremendous diversity of what turns us on and the ways in which we human beings express ourselves sexually.

In discussions of sexual ethics, particularly in religious contexts, we so desperately need to move beyond the 'gay debate' into a whole new realm of discussion as to how to live our sexualities in ways that express love for ourselves, for one another and in the spirit/light/God/Christ (whatever that means - I'm afraid I don't like to be watched, not even by Jesus).

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Is there a full moon or something?

There are some people, the kind that answer telephone, that are just plain wierd!

Today I have been ringing around potential employers.

Employer #1's secretary answered the phone. 'Hello I said, I'd like to speak to Mrs. Bla de Bla', 'She's away on holiday' (no can I take a message, no she'll be back tomorrow/next week/next month).

'Ok, I'm calling about the position you are currently advertising.'

'WHAT? YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL HERE!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL HR AND ASK FOR AN APPLICATION PACK. YOU'RE NOT TO CALL HERE!!!' she wailed. The poor woman seemed so distressed that I had somehow transgressed the laws of job applications, I didn't even bother to point out, well this is the number on the ad and Mrs Bla de Bla is the person it says to speak to for informal enquiries. I gave up and rang the HR answer phone service. Apparently they put something in the post.

Anyway, Employer #2 was able to put me through to Mr. Bla de Bla. And I said, 'Yes, I'm really interested, tell me some more.' So he waffles for a bit and then says, 'What are your experiences?' So I say, 'Well my experience is mainly in child and adolescent mental health' to which he interrupts with a more patronising tone than a children's TV presenter, 'Are you aware that this is an ADULT service'

'Er yes,' I say, 'that's why i'm interested. I'd like to get experience with a different client group to strengthen my clinical psychology training application. I'm sure that many of the skills I've gained in child are very much transferable.'

Yeah right!

There are some strange people at the end of telephones.

If you pick up a phone today - BEWARE - you might have to talk to one of them.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I heart blogthings

I am bored at work...and look, results (wonder what my supervisor will make of them if I give him these instead of the statistical analysis I should be doing ;P):

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty.
At work and school, you do best when you're researching.
When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often.

In friendship, you are considerate and compromising.
Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking.
You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.


Your Inner Child Is Naughty

Like a child, you tend to discount social rules.
It's just too much fun to break the rules!
You love trouble - and it seems that trouble loves you.
And no matter what, you refuse to grow up!


You Are a Mai Tai

You aren't a big drinker, but you'll drink if the atmosphere is festive.
And when you're drunk, watch out! You're easily carried away.


What Your Underwear Says About You

When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble!

You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.


How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is.
You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.


Cheese Pizza

Traditional and comforting.
You focus on living a quality life.
You're not easily impressed with novelty.
Yet, you easily impress others.


You Are 34 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.


Your Kissing Purity Score: 26% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell...

But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Doubletake

I love this poem. I have it on a CD, read by Liam Neeson and its downright spine-tingly. My English lit teacher (Liam Neeson's second cousin no less) would be so proud...

Doubletake

Human beings suffer,
they torture one another,
they get hurt and get hard.
No poem or play or song
can fully right a wrong
inflicted and endured.

The innocent in gaols
beat on their bars together.
A hunger-striker's father
stands in the graveyard dumb.
The police widow in veils
faints at the funeral home

History says, Don't hope
on this side of the grave.
But then, once in a lifetime
the longed for tidal wave
of justice can rise up,
and hope and history rhyme.

So hope for a great sea-change
on the far side of revenge.
Believe that a further shore
is reachable from here.
Believe in miracles
and cures and healing wells.

Call the miracle self-healing:
The utter self-revealing
double-take of feeling.
if there's fire on the mountain
or lightning and storm
and a god speaks from the sky.

That means someone is hearing
the outcry and the birth-cry
of new life at its term.

Seamus Heaney,
The Cure at Troy

Monday, September 12, 2005

Together


It was out of nowhere you came
Quiet glances
Careful smiles
Drinks in the evening
Coffee by day
Long conversations by night.

We knew that underneath
There were differences.

Be careful
She's not like you
They said
Be careful
You know it might make you confused
Something of her might rub off on you.

Yeah right, whatever.
How paranoid.

But they were right, you know.
You touched me
In the deepest places
And suddenly I realised

You have rubbed off on me.
My neat philosophy
And pre-prepared explanations
Meet the force of your
Raised eyebrow
And suddenly
We erupt
Into raucous laughter.

Your friendship reached deep within
Stole my whitewashed theology.
Together, we are healed.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

It has arrived....

I opened our post box yesterday (yeah, we have a little post box rather than a letter box) and out it tumbled. The application pack from the clearing house for clinical psychology courses in the UK.

Ever since I have had my nose in the course guidelines book trying to work out which courses I want to apply for. I think I want to do them all, except the one at the ominously named Institute at Psychiatry (two words - institute, psychiatry - I don't think so.) Unofruntately I can only apply for four.

I have very mixed feelings about it atm. On the one hand it is desperately exciting to finally feel as though I am in a position to take a decent stab at the course I've been wanting to get on for about 7 years. On the other, it is unsettling to be trying to find a course, and really not having any strong feelings about which course I would like to do. Having to balance courses that value research experience (which I've got), courses that take a more pluralistic approach (which is what I'm interested in more than anything else), courses located near city locations where partner dude can find a job and courses located in areas where we could feasibly afford to buy a house (I resent giving all my money to landlords who can't be bothered to fix dripping taps) is going to be difficult. I don't want to take out a mortgage for a chest freezer-size flat in London when for the same money I could have a mansion (ok a 3 bed semi) in another part of the country. And call me crazy, but I'd like to live somewhere pretty, with lots of fresh air and green stuff. It will be good for the old stress levels, as Post Liberal will no doubt confirm ;).

Then here I am, thinking about all this, with the heady dose of realism that only 28% applicants are successful in any given year and it is not unusual for people to make 3 applications. So at the end of the day, I could get rejected and be out looking for low paid assistant psychologist posts where I will doubtless be condemned to doing someones statistics (read percentage equations...yawn yawn yawn) with a doctorate in my pocket. :( I will give it my best shot and see what happens.

I am reminded of Parker Palmer's words in 'Let your Life Speak',

"Running beneath the surface of the experience I call my life, there is a deeper and truer life waiting to be acknowledged."

In a sense the career path aspect of my vocation has not been a difficult one to find. I naturally gravitate towards people in distress, I naturally gravitate towards rigorous academic thought and an intermingling of science and philosophical pondering (sorry, "critical and reflexive thinking"). Clinical psychology combines those in a way that excites me and the whole area feels comfortable and natural to me.

On the other hand, there are many hoops to be jumped through, boxes to be ticked off, application forms to be written, buzz words to mention and a way of putting them across in a way that fits with the course selection criteria. In the muddle, it is easy to forget the 'deeper and truer' life, that is simply who I am.

It is the true me that needs to be trained and begin on the path towards this elusive profession. I am not a list of buzzwords, nor even an impressive showcase of "extensive research experience within a clinical setting" nor I am a"solid understanding of theory-practice links and the challenges of applying this to individual cases" and not even, "a breadth of experience in the NHS which has enabled me to appreciate the value and importance of multi-disciplinary team working and the challenges of providing a high quality clinical service in an overstretched health service." It is me who is going to be working in a team and me who is going to be working with clients and it is the true me that will fulfil my potential to care for others, be they clients or colleagues in this setting.

I will have to spend some time reflecting on how to express and acknowledge the truer and deeper life within steering me towards this career in my application. Because really, this is what motivates and stimulates me and this is who I am.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Plodding along...

I am still recovering from the distress of finding my Elton CDs are missing...*sniff sniff* but life goes on, I guess.

I've not been around much lately. At work, I have been mad busy between panicking about being nowhere near my target N, with only 4 months left of PhD funding and sitting in on clinics with my supervisor.

Sometimes I love sitting in on clinics - it reminds me of why I do what I do and why I want to go into this career. I get to joke around with the kids and see how much they have changed and how they are developing into wonderful, bright, friendly young people. Other times, I sit and feel useless, realising that sometimes there is not a lot you can do for someone, and when that someone is a child, that is a really horrible realisation.

Sometimes hope is hard to come by. I realised today that when I was much more of a believer than I am now, that it was nice to pray for the "hopeless clients", because somehow I could entertain the fantasy that one day, some supernatural power would come and magically bestow happiness, joy and peace upon them.

Now that I don't believe in that sort of thing, I realise that part of what I have to deal with, is the realisation, not only of my own limits, but the limits of my profession and the limits of medicine.

I want to sum up this post with a helpful and inspiring little quotation to round it off and provide some kind of conclusion to my own frustration and sense of human inadquacy to fix the world. But there isn't one.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Distress

I cannot find my Elton John CDs....pray tell, what other cheesesome camped up master of the ballad is going to keep me sane during data entry??

Oh the agony....



Elton, where are you?!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Anyone living in the UK atm will be starkly aware of the growing argument over the government's proposal to deport preachers of hate...

I don't approve of preaching hatred, but I believe in free speech - if people have grievances with our country then we must be prepared to listen - and if those grievances and maybe even their hatred are unreasonable, then we must prove them wrong, not sent them elsewhere with their hatred.

I'm not convinced that deportation works anyway. Surely it only goes to confirm the preacher's suspicion that they are not welcome in our country and surely their followers will rise up to take revenge. But then again, perhaps its easier to get rid of preachers of hate than to prove them wrong by acting with impeccable justice and generosity.

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." ~ JESUS (Luke 6: 27-31)

"Make injustice visible". ~Gandhi

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Seeking paradise

I love you without permission
Although the fingers pointed
My choice, your choice
Is to give ourselves freely
Maybe even a little recklessly.

Plunging our teeth into
Forbidden fruit
Sweet juices running down our chins
Laughing.

Human beings
Always did need a little
Forbidden pleasure
To take us out of paradise
And into the world together

Alone
But this time
We are not afraid
To fall

Because we are falling together.
Embracing one another
Intertwined together
With love
And forbidden passion.

Will God forsake us
Will be be smitten by his wrath
Like they told us?

I doubt it.

We will find our way back to paradise
Together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some natural tears they dropped, but wiped them soon;
The world was all before them, where to choose
Their place of rest, and Providence their guide.
They hand in hand, with wand’ring steps and slow,
Through Eden took their solitary way.

(Milton, Paradise Lost, XII, 645–650)

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Oompa Loompas and Quaker Meetings

This Sunday morning I awoke with a sense of great excitement - the long awaited day had come. Partner dude and I had pre-booked afternoon tickets for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I've been singing the oompa-loompa song around our house now with all the joyful inaneness of a six year old.

It was, however, Sunday morning. Time to laze in bed for a few hours. We have both had a busy few weeks with little time for stopping. Unusually, I woke up first, poked partner dude, 'Yo, oompa loompa zippidy dee, will you go to meeting with me?'

It was, I must admit, with some reluctance that we pulled ourselves out of bed this week, but we did it, deciding that we are almost always glad when we get up in time for meeting. This week was no exception.

It was a wonderful meeting, mainly of sharing our need to find solutions in our world. One woman spoke poignantly of the racist views her daughter's friends had expressed while staying at their house - saying that all Asians should be rounded up and sent to prisons for the terrorist attacks etc.

Such attitudes, I must admit, are alien to me. It further impressed on me how much we need to foster friendships between racial and religious communities.

On the 7th of July, when I heard the news the first person I thought of was a friend of mine who lives and works in London. I rang her - thankfully she wasn't in London at the time. Only afterwards did I realise the possible significance that the first person I had called was both Asian and Muslim, and how precious our friendship is in these troubled times.

The same friend contacted me again last week to say she was going to visit Mecca and before she went wanted to ask that if I had anything against her for my forgiveness and likewise, whatever I had ever done to offend her was forgiven. I was a tad unnerved, wondering what I'd done - but she quickly explained that before Muslims make pilgrimage to Mecca and Medina they ask for and offer forgiveness because God forgives those who forgive others.

I remarked on how similar this was to my own Christian background - afterall Jesus said that when we forgive men who sin against us, God also forgives us.

Perhaps we are not so very different afterall. How much we need to remember that.

And btw, Charlie and the Chocolate factory was very cool. Go see it.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Amnesics forget...

On Saturday mornings I work in a memory clinic - of course its not unusual for people to forget their appointments - it is to be expected I guess! But once, someone arrived for their appointment so I went to get my supervisor who said, 'WHAT? Ah, working with people with memory problems, if they don't come at all, they come on the wrong day! Ask them to check their appointment letter.' So I went back to the people and asked if they had their appointment letter with them. They did and indeed, they had an appointment. I had to go back to my boss and tell him, 'Guess what, you forgot!' Mw ha ha ha. The things that keep me amused!

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Fluffy bunnies and suicide bombers...

"No serious person could ever negotiate on the demands of terrorists who have been using suicide bombers to kill people..."

We are not going to deal with this problem, with the roots as deep as they are, until we confront these people at every single level."

"I don't think the IRA would ever have set about trying to kill 3,000 people,"
-Tony Blair

It would appear that Mr Blair thinks that one of the terrorist groups that bombed the country I grew up in for 36 years were fluffy bunnies in comparison to the suicide bombers representing Al Quaeda.

Tell that to my mum's cousin who lost her husband then. Tell that to the families of the 1800 people they did kill. Tell that to the families whose young people could see no other future than the provos. Tell that to the couples who had to flee to England because of intimidation.

If the IRA were really the gentleman's terorist, you really might have told me so when had to walk home, lost in the pouring rain and accept the kindness of a random girl from the bus who invited me into her family's house for tea n cake while the madness raged outside preventing me from getting home from school. Would have been nice to know that when my primary school had to spend almost an entire morning lying on the floor in the gym because there had been a paramilitary related shooting outside the school gate. (My teacher still made us bring our work books with us tho - hmmph!)

Tell that to my secondary school teachers who had to put up with our ridiculous prankish behaviour - was it just my school where kids stole wires from the technology lab and shoved them into a lunch box in order to create a security scare? Tell that to me and my friends when we had to be evacuated out of our maths exam (well, maybe that was quite kind of them...)

I'm not arguing that Al Quaeda are a different kind of terrorism than the IRA, nor am I arguing that Al Quaeda have operated on a far larger scale and have been far more deadly.

But what I am arguing is this.

No. 1. The IRA murdered around 1800 people - they weren't nice friendly terrorists. Lets not glam them up or romanticise the republican struggle. People can get very romantic these days about Irish terrorism, but I grew up with it and assure you, it is anything but romantic.

No. 2. We negotiated with the IRA. That is how steps towards peace have been made. I suggest we can learn a few lessons from this. We must listen in humility and be willing to change. Our government, our politics, our foreign policies have all played a role in creating people who feel so angry and disenfranchised that they are willing to turn to terrorist violence. We can and we must be willing to sit down and listen. You can't stop a fire by throwing petrol on it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

This night will pass


This night will pass,
Believe it my friends,
Although the darkness thickens,
Although no way opens,
This night will pass.
You and I my friends
Have an appointed mission
To prepare for the dawn,
To live as though
The dark night was daylight,
As though we feared nothing,
Not suspecting one another ,
But loving, giving and caring,
Smiling freely at strangers,
Being the light,
As we wait.
This night will pass.


"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall - think of it, always."
- Gandhi

PS. Cheers Lor for your comment on my previous post.

Quakerism and Me

Alice over at Public Quaker has been answering questions about her Quaker experience as preparation for yearly meeting, which I'm not going to.

But, I wonder if answering the questions for myself might help me to reflect on my own experiences as I've adventured into Quakerism.

1. What Quaker testimonies are most important for you?

Which list of testimonies am I supposed to draw from? Ok, probably equality - because all the others stem from that for me. As I seek to live in a way that affirms the humanity and value of each person, it has enabled me to develop a broader more open approach to others - accepting other faiths, embracing those around me whose cultures may be vastly different from my own, learning to value relationships for relationships sake and not because of the genders of the people involved, and probably most prominently in challenging the way I work as a mental health professional (well, soon to be anyway) wanting to affirm the dignity and value of all people's experiences.

I think it is this committment to equality that leads me on to the other testimonies - compassion, green issues (its not my planet to corrupt, it belongs to all so I better look after it for others), peace (if my neighbour is equal, what right do I have to take up arms against him, or her) etc.

2. What difference do they make in the way you live your life?

I think I've probably covered some of this above.

Recently I've been considering how equality should impact on

-the way I work (how do I ensure that I do not exploit my powerful position as a professional when working with people who are vulnerable - how can I work towards equality between staff and service users? How do I practice equality between myself and my research participants.)

-the way I shop (do the goods I buy exploit other human beings?)

-the way I relate to my wider community, building interfaith and cross racial relationships. Back home in NI I was involved in cross community activities that are probably taking on more meaning for me now than they did when I was actually involved.)

3. In what ways is this difficult?

The jump from ideals to practice is a big one is it not?

Trying to put equality into practice where I work can be difficult - I'm often aware that I am in a very powerful position as a researcher and that I work in a system that is driven by the medical and scientific establishments and isn't always very person focussed (whatever the gimmicks on our mission statements might say.) I'm also very much aware that as I progress in my career, it will be a challenge to live the ideals.

Of course, if I believe all are equal, what right do I have to buy goods that are the fruit of child or sweatshop labour - but have you tried fairtrade shopping - if I stuck to it rigidly I'd be quite naked.

Then there are the people who although I believe all are equal, I also find to be most irritating. That of God might be in everyone, but in some he or she is very well hidden!

I also think political involvement and awareness is really important, but its utterly exhausting to keep up to date with the complexities of politics both local and national and trying to think critically about it can sometimes be nigh on impossible to squeeze into my day.

4. How are you helped by being a Quaker, or involved with other Friends?

Kindred spirits are always inspiring. I think in finding Quakers, I've found people who understand my own quirkiness, who give space to discuss matters of importance in an open and supportive context. It is a humbling challenge to me to meet so many people who are deeply committed and actively involved in their communities, making a positive difference in the world.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Tension mounting...

This weekend I met up with an old friend in London for her birthday - conversation turned briefly to careers, and it looks like we're going to be applying to two of the same clinical psychology training courses in five weeks time. Its a wierd world. If we both get on the same course, it could be wonderful, like old times. If one gets on a course and the other gets rejected - well what a dampner for both of us really.

The clinical psychology training course application process is insane in itself - very busy, very slow and I'm told, very stressful. First there is a monstrosity of an application form where you can apply for up to four places...and then, if you're lucky, there are interviews, and then you might get an offer of a place, rejected or put on a waiting list because some people get more than one offer and everything jiggles around!!

I don't know whether to look forward to it - its a sign of life beyond my PhD, and finally I feel like I'm making steps towards the career I want. On the other hand, the stakes are high, the competition is stiff and I could be disappointed.

To make matters worse, I know some courses are particularly keen to attract PhD students, and some are less phased. I've decided to go for the courses that are less phased by PhDs, as they to tend to be a bit more humanistic and eclectic in their approach - my current supervisors might say they were fluffy. :S. But I have to ask myself what sort of psychologist do I want to be and decide to apply to those courses who will nurture critical thought, reflective thinking and perhaps a slightly more radical approach.

Expect more hyper blog entries of me fretting and panicking and worrying and second guessing and hoping and waiting....

Monday, July 25, 2005

Dark days

Last week, a suspected terrorist was shot dead by police in London. I had mixed feelings about it at the time. If he was carrying explosives, then surely it must be better for him to be shot by the police and thus loose only one life, than for him to blow up himself and many others. But then again, how does anyone know who is a terrorist and who is not.

Yesterday morning, I went to the newsagents to pick up a Sunday paper in preparation for a long awaited lazy Sunday morning. I hadn't even looked at the headlines until at the desk about to pay. Then I saw it - the man who was shot at close range by police was innocent, had never been suspected of any contact with terrorists - a young life, so brutally and quickly taken. His only crimes seem to be living in the same block of flats as the suspected bombers and wearing a padded jacket on a warm day.

In a discussion about this someone pointed out to me that the young man did not stop - but hang on a minute, how was he asked to stop, was he asked politely? I doubt it. He was chased by men in plain clothes (how was he to know they were police) pointing a gun - what would I have done? I suspect I might have ran too. The psychologist in me knows how easily mistakes can be made - how groups can act impulsively and cloud one another's judgement especially when split second decisions must be made, how deadly a mixture fear and the desire to save one's city and community can be and how in this current climate of fear, suspicion and hyper-vigilance, we can expect more terrible, terrible mistakes.

One of the things that bothers me most about all this are the reports that the man was shot 5 times in the head at close range. Why 5 times? What were the psychological states of the police concerned here? Fear? Heroism? Terror? Shock? Anger?

We have had another dark day, another innocent has been slaughtered, another young man has turned into a killer - I cannot imagine what damage this action will have done to the man who did the action and to all those responsible - the wider police community and government policy makers. It is a tragedy, we must lay aside excuses and face up to these tough questions and do everything we can to find another way.

Friday, July 22, 2005

The truth will set you free

In response to my last post I have decided to be open about who I am living with. Moving in with my partner has been the best thing I've done this year, and I'm really happy about it. There was never any conflict in our minds that this was the right thing for us to do and the right time for us to do it. Sharing my life with him in a new way is precious to both of us and an important part in my life now. To not mention it would be hiding it.

Friendships and relationships are only possible if we actually know who we are friends with, and that means being willing to share our lives openly with others. Several years ago, a good friend of mine came out as gay to me, fearing my reaction. She had tried to hide it from me, fearing that I would be disapproving and we were both aware that we were both acting suspicious and cagey as a result. Her coming out was liberating for both of us. The new found honesty brought a new depth, closeness and freshness to our friendship. This weekend I'm driving to London to meet her new girlfriend :).

Her honesty also gave me the opportunity to do some coming out myself in choosing to support her, flying in the face of my conservative church background. I remember going to church not long after her coming out and the pastor giving some nonsense about the perversion of homosexuality. I had a long debate with him afterwards and finally decided that it was the final straw and it was time for me to move on. And yes, it was a very happy moment :D!

If I hadn't reacted well, I suppose we would have lost our friendship, and it would have been my fault, not her's.

The friends I am writing to were leaders in the church I went to back home in NI. They have since moved to the south of Ireland to set up a church plant there and although we kept in touch with letters about once or twice a year, we haven't done recently. They are wonderful, caring and gentle people and have been very supportive friends to me in the past. I value their friendship, they are good people and I have a lot of respect for them.

I do not expect that they will send a 'congratulations on your new home' card, but I do feel that if we are going to be able to continue our friendship then I cannot try to hide something that is now such a wonderful and important part of my life. I won't pre-empt a negative response - I shall hope to be pleasantly surprised! I'll simply mention it as I report back on lots of pieces of news that have happened to me of late. It will leave the door open to our friendship continuing in the future. If I get unlucky and they react really badly (which I would be very surprised by I should say) then so be it - I have plenty of other friends!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

When writing a letter to old friends...

Does one mention developments (e.g. I have moved into a lovely flat, with my boyfriend, who I'm not married to) in one's life that said old friends might disapprove off?

Is hiding acting ashamed (which I am not), or is it tactful (why risk potentially offending someone)?

*Sigh*

Dilemmas :S.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Good album


Here's to impulse buying at Tescos...I'm telling you it just leapt into my trolley and hid behind the cucumbers. Honest ;)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Work

Sometimes I really hate my PhD. Actually, its not my PhD that I hate - its all the red tape and beaurocracy that goes with it. The phone calls that go

ME: 'Hello, I'd like you to send me through confirmation that you have processed form 123'
RED TAPE OFFICE #1: 'We're sorry, we need to you to send in form 321 before we can do that. Oh and we'll email our you brand new 20 page form for you to complete as well.'
ME: 'Er thanks...I'll call the 321 people and get back to you.'

Ring ring

ME: 'Hello, I'd like you to send me through confirmation that you have processed form 321'
RED TAPE OFFICE #2: 'We're sorry, we need you to send in form 456 before we can do that. Also, we have another 15 page super complicated form for you to complete and get signed by the Queen herself before we can do anything.'
ME:'Ok then, I'll call the 456 people.'

ME:'Hello, I'd like you to send me through confirmation that you have processed form 456'
RED TAPE OFFICE #3 'We're sorry we need to hear from the 123 people that your study has been approved before we can send you form 456.'
ME: 'Really, because the 123 people asked to hear from the 321 people who said they can't send them anything until they've heard from you 456 people and if you don't send me your form then the 321 people will not tell the 123 people that they have processed their form...'
RED TAPE OFFICE #3: 'Did we mention that you also need to complete this 30 page form before we can...'
ME: 'Very nice but my email is now full of forms and it has crashed. Oh look, computer services are on the other line demanding to know why my mail box is being bombed by beaurocratic offices!!!'

It makes me feel like this:

Monday, July 18, 2005

You and Me

You were Catholic
I was Protestant
But I could have been Jewish
You could have been Muslim
Your family could have been Israeli
Or mine Palestinian
You could have been white
I could have been Asian.

We lived on the same street
We went to different schools
I wasn't allowed to go to your's
Not the right religion
Or something.
And you didn't want to travel
Twenty miles to come to mine.
We lived across the road
We crossed paths
When our schools
Had cross community days
And laughed at the irony.

We played, we laughed
Until the day
The bombs went off.

The phonecall came
Your mum or mine
I can't remember.

Get home as quick as you can
Both of you.

We ran.

We got lost,
Familiar roads cordoned off.

This might take a while.

A six mile walk, to make it two miles home
Through the countryside.
Maybe this isn't so bad after all,
We stopped for coke and tayto crisps.

Was it your group
Or my group
Blowing up our town.

Why does it matter?

You or me
Yours or mine.

The bombs didn't care.
Nor do I.

Smile

"Bear witness to the humanity of all people..." (Quaker Advices and Queries, British Yearly Meeting)

"Even a smile is charity." (Mohammad)

I remain disturbed at the outpouring of fear I am encountering amongst my fellow psychologists, and wondering how on earth we can maintain and build community relationships in a multicultural society when people are switching tube carriages and getting off buses when they see young Asian men.

Perhaps the best I can do for now is to do the very opposite and be ever so very un-British about it. We should remember that all those we pass on the street, be they off a different race or culture, be they drug addicts begging for a few pence to buy "tea", they are all human. Perhaps all that it takes is for each of us to recognise one another's humanity and dare to make eye contact and offer a gentle smile to all.

I'll try not to look like the picture when I'm doing it!


The piece of Quaker advice that I quoted at the top of the page is part of a fuller extract from A&Q which reads,

"Are you alert to practices here and throughout the world which discriminate against people on the basis of who or what they are or because of their beliefs? Bear witness to the humanity of all people, including those who break society's conventions or its laws. Try to discern new growing points in social and economic life. Seek to understand the causes of injustice, social unrest and fear. Are you working to bring about a just and compassionate society which allows everyone to develop their capacities and fosters the desire to serve?"

Perhaps it might be worth pointing to an article in 'The Psychologist' - then main general psychology publication from the British Psychological Society which suggests that terrorists are not lunatics, madmen or animals, but acting in a way that is understandable if one takes into account their social and political context. The implications of this for how we should respond to terrorism are too important and potentially too costly to ignore.

Click here for the article.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Worrying...

I am part of an online group for people who want to be clinical psychologists. Its a tough career path, and very competitive and in theory we support one another in applying for training posts, share information about specific areas in which we have had experience and that sort of thing. Inevitably, discussion strays on to other areas from time to time, and its certainly a welcome distraction from work sometimes.

Today, someone posted about feeling scared on the London underground and trying to avoid sitting close to Asian men on public transport in London - changing tube carriages, getting off buses etc. While this reaction is understandable and should not be responded to with anything other than empathy and understanding - it also needs, in my humble opinion, to be recognised as irrational, and challenged lest it sow the seeds of segregation and future animosity along racial and/or religious lines.

I was rather surprised by the number of psychology students (who I always assumed are generally open minded and accepting people) who actually defended their actions in the face of quite reasonable challenge from others - words like, 'I have a right to protect myself.'

Oh dear...

I wasn't going to blog about the London attacks today, feeling that it is time to move on to other areas of discussion, but this is really bothering me. I wonder if I have acquired any Muslim readers as a result of my attempt to broaden out my blog a little. If I have, I would be grateful for your insights and thoughts on this sort of behaviour.

Also - those of you who are in America, and particularly those of you who were in New York at the time of the September 2001 attacks, how did you find this sort of phenomenon there and how did you overcome it and move on? (Or did you?) We must be serious about loving our Muslim, Asian and Pakistani neighbours, and we must find ways to help one another understand our fears whilst also challenging our prejudice.

Discoveries

My blog has been dealing in rather heavy subject matters this week - so I thought I'd let you all know about a light hearted discovery I made today.

I now know what cilantro is!!!

I assumed it was some kind of mystical American ingredient that I couldn't get in the UK. But no - its boring old coriander - that makes my American-English (which isn't English at all if you ask me, so there) cookbook much easier to understand.

Reminds me of going to the shop (sorry, grocery store) in New York (Food Emporium on 2nd Ave near 32nd st to be precise) with a craving for spinach pie and trying to buy some ready made pastry. I must have spent 15 minutes talking to someone who kept asking all his colleagues, 'Do you know what pastry is?'. I got really frustrated and in the end decided to go home defeated - I was just at the door of the shop when I remembered and rushed back the the shop assistant shouting, 'PIE CRUST!!! I want to buy some ready made PIE CRUST!!!!' Woo hoo!

And a very nice spinach pie it was too.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Not a dicky bird

I've not heard anything from the Belfast telegraph about my comments on Steven King's article. However a similar letter was published on 12.07.05 here.

I know several other people wrote in after I did - thanks y'all. We can only hope that it will make a small difference. I was talking to a really good friend of mine who lives in London. She is a Muslim - her family want her to get out of London. A Muslim lady had her headscarf set alight not far from where she lives, and there were children shouting abuse outside the mosque her family attends, as people went to worship.

I will try to remember that next time I enter the Quaker meeting house and wonder what it would be like to be shouted at by children as I go in.

The involvement of children in this sort of activities really bothers me. A few years ago in the delightful "holiday" that is Northern Ireland's marching season, there had been a spate of car hijackings all over the country. Most people think of big strapping crowds of men hijacking cars, but a lot of the time, its not like that. Most of the people I saw causing trouble, stopping cars and intimidating people out of them couldn't have been fifteen years old - some were, I'm sure as young as 10 or 11. (Of course, we don't release this information to the national news - how embarrassing to realise that Ulster's teeny-boppers bring our country to a halt each summer!)

I turned out of our road and got half way to the end of the main road, whereupon I saw about 10 kids waiting for me with big sticks. I did a very fast U-turn and drove right back home again, deciding that whatever I was going out for wasn't all that important after all.

I think the greatest tragedy, isn't so much the burnt out cars - we have insurance (and in NI, we pay through the roof for car insurance because of it). Its not having to walk home because your car has been stolen. Its the fact that our children and young people are doing it. That is the greatest tragedy. What sort of community are we building?

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Ulster Muslims

If bus bombs are the worst that a multi-billion dollar organisation like al-Qaeda - which has, never forget, the active support of thousands and thousands of Muslims, and the tacit support of millions more - can resort to it is telling.

Hmmm, so writes Steven King in the Belfast telegraph which my mum picked up in the airport on her way to visit.

I grew up in Northern Ireland and most of my family still live there. It is a rather strange part of the world, a country of contrasts in many ways. There are those who say that the Northern Irish are amongst the most friendly and fun loving people you will ever meet. But, we are, as a whole unfamiliar with other cultures and religions. I used to joke to my Jewish, Muslim and Buddhist friends that if they came to visit me and someone asked if they were Protestant or Catholic and they replied that they were Jewish/Muslim/Buddhist, they'd probably be asked if they were a Protestant or Catholic Jew/Muslim/Buddhist.

I exaggerate, but back home we have few ethnic minorities, and very few people from non-Christian religious backgrounds. I am not sure that the Northern Irish, on the whole, have the same resentment towards people of other faiths/racial background that has existed in other parts of the country where the immigrant population is higher - Bradford srings to mind.

On the other hand, Ulster school children do tend to learn very little about other faiths. When I went to university at 18, I probably couldn't have given even a vague run down of the differences between Islam, Buddhist or Hinduism. (Judaism might have been the exception, what with Jesus being Jewish, so I knew a little about that).

My extended family tend to identify my non-white friends, not by their names but by their skin colour. Our conversations go something like...

"Is that wee Chinese girl coming over again?"
"Actually, she's vietnamese"
"Aye, but you know, the one with those eyes"
"You do realise she has a name"
"Oh, I can never remember those funny names. What was the name of that wee black girl you hang around with. Isn't there an Indian one too, you know the lighter one.."

Charming - but I should point out that I doubt this is racism, just ignorance and my family are always perfectly polite and welcoming to visiting foreigners (as they like to call them) and will try to pronounce more unusual names. Honestly, from a country where Orlaith is pronounced Orla, Niamh is pronounced to rhyme with Eve and Siobhan is pronounced shi-vawn, you'd imagine they'd be used to hard to pronounce names.

My uncle, who is probably the least politically correct person I know (I would be embarrassed to repeat some of his choicest phrases), went to Zimbabwe last year and somehow managed to invite a young black man to come and live with him in a very loyalist and rather notorious council estate in Belfast (I haven't met him yet, but apparently he's been generally very well received which is good to hear).

I think this really sets up a context of ignorance where those few Muslims living in Northern Ireland may be particularly vulnerable to prejudice and Islamophobia. Indeed, the BBC news have reported this to be a problem.

Al Quaeda has no more support from Muslims than the IRA has from Roman Catholics, and people need to be aware of this. I was heartened that yesterday's paper contained a report about religious leaders, including Dr Zaki Badawi, the chairman of the Council of Mosques and Imams, uniting to condemn the attacks.

However, I remain uncomfortable with Steven King's comments about Al Quaeda having the tacit support of millions of Muslims. If you want to let him know, then please email:

featureseditor@belfasttelegraph.co.uk

I have sent the following email:

Dear Features Editor,

I was deeply concerned when I read some of your coverage of the London bombings on 9/7/05. In particular, Steven King's remarks concerning Al Quaeda having the active support of many thousands of Muslims and the tacit support of millions more.

To quote:

"If bus bombs are the worst that a multi-billion dollar organisation like al-Qaeda - which has, never forget, the active support of thousands and thousands of Muslims, and the tacit support of millions more - can resort to it is telling." (http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/features/story.jsp?story=651756)

This is simply not the case, Muslims and their leaders have united with politicans and religious leaders from all faiths to condemn the London bombings, as you subsequently reported on 11/07/05. (http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/story.jsp?story=652076)

It is worth remembering, that the small Muslim community living in Northern Ireland, and the mosque in Belfast were attacked following the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington in September 2001, and that Muslims living in Northern Ireland are particularly vulnerable to misunderstanding and prejudice (see for example Javaid Rehman's findings earlier this year, as reported in the BBC - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/4210283.stm).

We in Northern Ireland, know only too well the impact that acts of violence can have on community relationships. There is no more Islamic support for Al Quaeda than their is support for the IRA from the Roman Catholic church, or support for the activities of Loyalist paramilitaries from the Protestant churches.

I would urge you, as one of the main sources of media in Northern Ireland to be careful about the comments you make concerning the Muslim community, and to take some responsibility upon yourselves for reporting on the Northern Irish Muslim community in order to inform and reassure the general public about the peaceful nature of Islam as practiced by our Muslim neighbours.

Yours faithfully,

XXX

Friday, July 08, 2005

Heads up

My partner often jokes that people who run the country read The Times, and those who think they should run the country read The Guardian. I fall into the latter category, and while we're talking about it, can I just say, that I think I could do a better job than some people...;)

Just wanted to give a little heads up to Robin Cook's coverage of the London bombings in the Guardian.

I am concerned that we don't get a mass outpouring of anger and a call to war with the terrorists. No-one will win if we play that game. As Robin Cook says, the war on terror cannot be won by military means, it must be fought in the backstreets with poverty, with the nonviolent methods of justice, compassion and generosity to our neighbours.

Please - no war this time, no retaliation, let us learn another way. Let us bring those who carried out these terrible attacks to justice, but let that be tempered with compassion and understanding, and deep sorrow for our own role in creating a world where anyone would be driven to carry out such atrocities.

One of the criticisms of the Make Poverty History campaign, and its focus on protest at the G8 summit in Scotland this week has been its focus on 8 world leaders, perhaps ignoring our individual responsibilities to live more ethically, to drive a little less, walk a little more, consume a little less, refuse to buy produce that allows anyone to make money from child labour, poverty and unsafe working conditions. We must all take action.

I cannot help but wonder, what is the grassroots action that needs to be done to fight the war on terror. Is it dialogue, friendship and understanding with our neighbours of multiple cultures, colours, faiths and creeds? Is it to take to the streets in protest to wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? Is it to stay informed? Is it to take care of refugees in our own communities? Is it to live peacefully with one another? Is it to give generously to reputable charities working to alleviate poverty and suffering at home and abroad?

I am finished work now for the weekend - a long one this time, with my mum coming to visit. After the events of yesterday, amongst other things that have been going on for me this week, I am feeling quite exhausted, so I'm really looking forward to this.

I shall leave you with a picture from the Isaiah war near the UN headquarters in New York City...



Hmm, it seems its really hard to read the inscription, but it reads

"They shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more."

Peace to all.

New Links

I have added some more links to my list of blogs I watch. I've frittled away this morning on the internet finding interesting Muslim blogs, and a lovely blog by a rabbi. Its my little act of peace and attempt to foster dialogue and understanding in the blogosphere.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Seeking peace

I started writing this yesterday, but somehow it seems more apt today.


May my words, Stem from this place
Of stillness, Quiet reflection.

May my heart be still enough to listen
That I might learn
To hear before
You take up war
For peace comes no other way.

May you find in me
No enemy awaiting to fight back
But a friend, With space to listen,
The courage to change,
To forgive our histories
One for another
And choose peace for the future

And may we speak to power together,
With truth integrity and boldness
Kissed by the quiet humility
That gives birth to justice.

And may we act
For peace together
Laying aside our weapons
And taking up love
That affords you and I both
The opportunity for humanity.

And as for you,
With your guns and bombs,
Your suicidal desperation
In the silence,
I want to learn
How to open myself to you,
This world to you,
To accept you back
To humanity.

For you belong with us,
and we with you.

My brother, My sister.

London

Please remember London today.

I've managed to get hold of two London friends and two London based family members. I just found out that my brother is in north London at the moment, and my cousin was on her way to Kings Cross when the explosion happened. Thankfully she's safely back home now too.

Still waiting news from another few people. Rob (of consider the lillies) is fine. We emailled - I'm sure he won't mind me saying so, and I'm sure American friends in the blogosphere, most likely waking up to this news will want to know.

In case other people, like me, are trying to call friends and family and can't get through. Don't worry, London mobile phone networks have been put on emergency mode and are not available to the public.

Whatever we can do to make and build peace, we must do it now. I suggest one simple way we can do this is to express our friendship and support to our Muslim friends and neighbours. Police are warning Muslims, particularly women who wear hijabs to be careful, fearing vigilante attacks (the British Muslim community certainly suffered in this way following the terrorist attacks in New York in 2001).

May our thoughts also be with those driven to acts of violence, as with the victims.

We are called to live 'in the virtue of that life and power that takes away the occasion of all wars'. Do you faithfully maintain our testimony that war and the preparation for war are inconsistent with the spirit of Christ? Search out whatever in your own way of life may contain the seeds of war. Stand firm in our testimony, even when others commit or prepare to commit acts of violence, yet always remember that they too are children of God.

Quaker Advices and Queries (British Yearly Meeting)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Works, words and Quakerism for yoof

Now this is going to get confusing. Rob, who is not psychiatrist Rob of Mind&Soul but Quaker Rob of Consider the Lillies put a post recently about young people & Quakerism.

I think I probably fall into the category that Rob describes as one of those young Friends drawn to Quakerism because of its social orientation. It is quite possible that this is a reaction on my part. Unlike several other Quakers I have talked to, I did experience "God" outside of Quakerism and the immediate sense of "God's presence", and even the sense that the Spirit can lead us from within. I was a full blown charismatic don'tchya know :)

Of course, as most of you know, I now doubt that those experiences were anything more than quirky activity in the left temporal lobes, combined with the dynamics of a hyped up environment where God-talk was, to be quite frank, cheap as candy.


GOD TALK WARNING: The artificial colourings used in this product may cause hyperactivity in sensitive people. God Talk may contain traces of nuts

So my own journey into Friends was one of wishing to live in integrity with a heady dose of pragmatism. I must be honest and say there are times when I do squirm a little amongst Quakers who are more fond of God-talk than I am, but I'm learning to get used to that.

Which really got me to wondering, why did I join the Quakers and not just sign up to Amnesty international or some other wonderful charity? (And I do think it is important for all of us to consider community, social and political involvement, this is certainly an important part of 'spirituality' or whatever you want to call it and Quakers have certainly put this on the forefront.)

There and again, I am not sure that for me religious experience informs my "testimony". (Testimony here in the Quaker sense of the word - our commitment to such things as equality, peace, compassion, social justice, green issues etc. etc.). Quite the opposite - I would say that my religious experience is enhanced and enlivened by my attempts (small as they sometimes are) to live the testimonies in my day to day life. In seeking to live peacefully, pursue justice and practice compassion, I experience a fullness and depth of life (that some might call living in the Spirit, but I'm going to be ever so British here and not use those kinds of words if you don't mind).

But maybe that is niave. If religion is to do with the response of my whole life and whole being, then perhaps my own whole experience of the world (call it religious if you like) undergirdles my own sense of the rightness of the Quaker testimonies - even if I don't use the kind of language George Fox might have used.



Are you sure you're a Quaker - where's your funny clothes?

It may well be that those young Friends, so quick to declare, 'Works Now!', are responding with enthusiasm to an experience of the spirit (or the light, or even God if you will) that they may not have articulated with words - and almost certainly not with the kind of words Quaker tradition offers us. We no longer live in the kind of Christian society that gave birth to Quakerism. Our language and experiences may be very different from our forefathers and foremothers. Perhaps the diverse liveries Penn spoke off are now making some Friends seem like strangers.


Are you sure you're a Quaker - you don't seem Jesusy enough

However, perhaps continuing in the Quaker tradition may be to forge our own language, articulate our own experiences and find that they lead us to the same concerns for social and political justice, for peace, for equality and for compassionate living. Afterall, the good book says, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction..." (James 1:27, ESV).

Are you sure you're a Quaker - you don't use the right language

I suspect that the testimonies are the best articulation of religious experience we can ever hope to have. Perhaps also, as we explore these things, we might find ourselves more in touch with the earliest Quaker reformers than years of studying the Biblical text and Quaker history can ever afford us. The experience of living the testimonies might lead us to a better understanding of the legacy left to us by the likes of Fox, Fell, Penn and Fry.

Two bottles of bleach, a tin of spray on bathroom cleaner, a bottle of cif oxy action gel, one electrical steamer and a slightly twisted ankle....

We have a clean house! It took four days of scrubbing, bleaching and steaming with our brand new turbo power steam cleaner - I even took a toothbrush to the cooker at one point and finally we are unpacked and the house is clean.

We moved in to a new flat on Friday, with the landlords' promise that the place would be spic and span. It was nothing of the sort. I opened a cupboard, and with the shocking realisation that I sound exactly like my mother, yelped, 'This place is stinking. That is so filthy, have you seen all the dirty, shameful filthy things in this cupboard!'

It didn't look dirty when we saw it, but when we started opening the cupboards and moving the furniture around, I almost considered calling channel 4 to see how quickly they could send Kim and Aggie round.

You would not believe the filth. I spent about 6 hours on the cooker alone. The oven - oh my goodness. I have cleaned some manky ovens in my time, but I've never seen Mr. Muscle foam turn brown on contact!!! I didn't break down until I found the big pile of rodent excrement underneath the landlords' family heirloom (a singer streddle sewing machine which they keep in our house for some utterly bizarre reason - WHY???).

Anyway, it is clean now after four solid days of housework. Thank goodness partner dude has a stronger stomach than I do with that crap (and I mean that literally). Although I should say - I did the toilet all by myself, but I will spare you all the details. It would appear that I am very lucky with partner dude. Other female friends have told me their male partners are not quite so willing to don the marigolds and get scrubbing.

Gross.

However, I would like to assure any potential visitors that the place is now spotless, excrement free and very nice. I'd even challenge Kim and Aggie to do a better job! We even have a basil plant and a mint plant in the window. (This isn't the first basil plant I had - but I've managed to kill the others - any tips from more green fingered types for keeping herb plants alive would be much appreciated).

Can I just say a big thankyou to the makers of Cif. Between Cif bathroom mousse, cif oxy-action gel, and cif action gel with baking soda (that stuff is absolusely A M A Z I N G)...our house is just cif central at the moment. We've bought so much of the stuff over the past few days, I think they should be giving us shares in the company.