Friday, November 11, 2005

Reality bites...

I'm staring blankly at my application for clinical psychology training. Thus far, the one thing that has kept me going through my PhD - the possibility of getting to work with people at the end of it and suddenly I'm shitting myself.

I mean. Firstly, I am applying to courses in places I have never been before because they look kind of interesting. I'm not even sure I could place Norwich accurately on a map. I have a vague idea of it being on the right hand side, around the middle-ish.

Not only that, but I am opening myself to the possibility of moving anywhere with about a 50 mile radius from any of these courses (with the intention of buying a house), and thinking, 'OMG, I have no idea how to buy a house.' My 'rents will be getting many many phone calls.

I keep swapping and changing my mind about which courses I want to do. I cannot get my form to look 'just so' - perfectionism is paralysing sometimes!

Then the self doubt comes in. Am I really cut out to work with people? I get pretty narked off with people sometimes. Do I have the stamina to go through another doctoral level degree? My current one regularly has me loosing sleep, crying and swearing at the computer.

Will I dig commuting long distances to placements? Will I cope with the driving? And what if I'm no good at "therapy"? I could be crap...the first time I did a research interview I was shaking. The interviewee had to make me a cup of tea! Even now, when my participants cry, I feel really awkward. Don't do tears I'm afraid. That's pretty poor show for a psychologist.

And if I don't get on a course, what do I do?!?! There's nothing else - and I can't do research! Social work - God save me!


O n e t h i n g a t a t i m e . . . . . .


Lorcan said...

"Then the self doubt comes in. Am I really cut out to work with people? I get pretty narked off with people sometimes."

Kiddo... of course you are. Thy ears should burn from the number of times I tell friends about thy challening the common trends in looking at ADHD and desire to do more than go with the pack menatlity which is so often affected by the drug companies and other trends ( teachers looking for easy solutions... ) SO often my description of thee is, "I can't wait to see what she does with her career."
And I can't. Be patient with thy self..

Peterson Toscano said...

Sounds like you are in the right place. I mean doing what you do takes great courage, something that doesn't necessary exude naturally from us. Instead it is like the violent yet rewarding process of extracting oil from olives. Sounds like you are being PRESSED and no doubt you will produce the courage you need as you need it.

Holding you in the Light as you walk through these stressful, frightful and very exciting steps.

Contemplative Activist said...

Thanks :)

I'm still fighting with my application form, my PhD and now my new job has just send me a ton of beaurocratic forms to complete :(. Like I don't have enough to do...

But c'est la vie. We shall see. I think I need to get my clinical application in the post so I can stop thinking about it.


Lora said...

Take deep breathe and then go find something else to do besides think, plan or organize. If you didn't have doubts it would be most odd. Keep doing what you are doing and trust that you will be drawn in a good direction for you.

The Blind-Winger Jones said...

Keep with it. Don't let the doubts eat away at what you've worked so hard for.

I love your blog, I'm about to add it my list of "Dead Good Bloggers"