I'm staring blankly at my application for clinical psychology training. Thus far, the one thing that has kept me going through my PhD - the possibility of getting to work with people at the end of it and suddenly I'm shitting myself.
I mean. Firstly, I am applying to courses in places I have never been before because they look kind of interesting. I'm not even sure I could place Norwich accurately on a map. I have a vague idea of it being on the right hand side, around the middle-ish.
Not only that, but I am opening myself to the possibility of moving anywhere with about a 50 mile radius from any of these courses (with the intention of buying a house), and thinking, 'OMG, I have no idea how to buy a house.' My 'rents will be getting many many phone calls.
I keep swapping and changing my mind about which courses I want to do. I cannot get my form to look 'just so' - perfectionism is paralysing sometimes!
Then the self doubt comes in. Am I really cut out to work with people? I get pretty narked off with people sometimes. Do I have the stamina to go through another doctoral level degree? My current one regularly has me loosing sleep, crying and swearing at the computer.
Will I dig commuting long distances to placements? Will I cope with the driving? And what if I'm no good at "therapy"? I could be crap...the first time I did a research interview I was shaking. The interviewee had to make me a cup of tea! Even now, when my participants cry, I feel really awkward. Don't do tears I'm afraid. That's pretty poor show for a psychologist.
And if I don't get on a course, what do I do?!?! There's nothing else - and I can't do research! Social work - God save me!
O n e t h i n g a t a t i m e . . . . . .