Plodding along...

I am still recovering from the distress of finding my Elton CDs are missing...*sniff sniff* but life goes on, I guess.

I've not been around much lately. At work, I have been mad busy between panicking about being nowhere near my target N, with only 4 months left of PhD funding and sitting in on clinics with my supervisor.

Sometimes I love sitting in on clinics - it reminds me of why I do what I do and why I want to go into this career. I get to joke around with the kids and see how much they have changed and how they are developing into wonderful, bright, friendly young people. Other times, I sit and feel useless, realising that sometimes there is not a lot you can do for someone, and when that someone is a child, that is a really horrible realisation.

Sometimes hope is hard to come by. I realised today that when I was much more of a believer than I am now, that it was nice to pray for the "hopeless clients", because somehow I could entertain the fantasy that one day, some supernatural power would come and magically bestow happiness, joy and peace upon them.

Now that I don't believe in that sort of thing, I realise that part of what I have to deal with, is the realisation, not only of my own limits, but the limits of my profession and the limits of medicine.

I want to sum up this post with a helpful and inspiring little quotation to round it off and provide some kind of conclusion to my own frustration and sense of human inadquacy to fix the world. But there isn't one.

Distress

I cannot find my Elton John CDs....pray tell, what other cheesesome camped up master of the ballad is going to keep me sane during data entry??

Oh the agony....



Elton, where are you?!

Anyone living in the UK atm will be starkly aware of the growing argument over the government's proposal to deport preachers of hate...

I don't approve of preaching hatred, but I believe in free speech - if people have grievances with our country then we must be prepared to listen - and if those grievances and maybe even their hatred are unreasonable, then we must prove them wrong, not sent them elsewhere with their hatred.

I'm not convinced that deportation works anyway. Surely it only goes to confirm the preacher's suspicion that they are not welcome in our country and surely their followers will rise up to take revenge. But then again, perhaps its easier to get rid of preachers of hate than to prove them wrong by acting with impeccable justice and generosity.

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." ~ JESUS (Luke 6: 27-31)

"Make injustice visible". ~Gandhi

Seeking paradise

I love you without permission
Although the fingers pointed
My choice, your choice
Is to give ourselves freely
Maybe even a little recklessly.

Plunging our teeth into
Forbidden fruit
Sweet juices running down our chins
Laughing.

Human beings
Always did need a little
Forbidden pleasure
To take us out of paradise
And into the world together

Alone
But this time
We are not afraid
To fall

Because we are falling together.
Embracing one another
Intertwined together
With love
And forbidden passion.

Will God forsake us
Will be be smitten by his wrath
Like they told us?

I doubt it.

We will find our way back to paradise
Together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some natural tears they dropped, but wiped them soon;
The world was all before them, where to choose
Their place of rest, and Providence their guide.
They hand in hand, with wand’ring steps and slow,
Through Eden took their solitary way.
(Milton, Paradise Lost, XII, 645–650)

Oompa Loompas and Quaker Meetings

This Sunday morning I awoke with a sense of great excitement - the long awaited day had come. Partner dude and I had pre-booked afternoon tickets for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I've been singing the oompa-loompa song around our house now with all the joyful inaneness of a six year old.

It was, however, Sunday morning. Time to laze in bed for a few hours. We have both had a busy few weeks with little time for stopping. Unusually, I woke up first, poked partner dude, 'Yo, oompa loompa zippidy dee, will you go to meeting with me?'

It was, I must admit, with some reluctance that we pulled ourselves out of bed this week, but we did it, deciding that we are almost always glad when we get up in time for meeting. This week was no exception.

It was a wonderful meeting, mainly of sharing our need to find solutions in our world. One woman spoke poignantly of the racist views her daughter's friends had expressed while staying at their house - saying that all Asians should be rounded up and sent to prisons for the terrorist attacks etc.

Such attitudes, I must admit, are alien to me. It further impressed on me how much we need to foster friendships between racial and religious communities.

On the 7th of July, when I heard the news the first person I thought of was a friend of mine who lives and works in London. I rang her - thankfully she wasn't in London at the time. Only afterwards did I realise the possible significance that the first person I had called was both Asian and Muslim, and how precious our friendship is in these troubled times.

The same friend contacted me again last week to say she was going to visit Mecca and before she went wanted to ask that if I had anything against her for my forgiveness and likewise, whatever I had ever done to offend her was forgiven. I was a tad unnerved, wondering what I'd done - but she quickly explained that before Muslims make pilgrimage to Mecca and Medina they ask for and offer forgiveness because God forgives those who forgive others.

I remarked on how similar this was to my own Christian background - afterall Jesus said that when we forgive men who sin against us, God also forgives us.

Perhaps we are not so very different afterall. How much we need to remember that.

And btw, Charlie and the Chocolate factory was very cool. Go see it.

Amnesics forget...

On Saturday mornings I work in a memory clinic - of course its not unusual for people to forget their appointments - it is to be expected I guess! But once, someone arrived for their appointment so I went to get my supervisor who said, 'WHAT? Ah, working with people with memory problems, if they don't come at all, they come on the wrong day! Ask them to check their appointment letter.' So I went back to the people and asked if they had their appointment letter with them. They did and indeed, they had an appointment. I had to go back to my boss and tell him, 'Guess what, you forgot!' Mw ha ha ha. The things that keep me amused!

Fluffy bunnies and suicide bombers...

"No serious person could ever negotiate on the demands of terrorists who have been using suicide bombers to kill people..."

We are not going to deal with this problem, with the roots as deep as they are, until we confront these people at every single level."

"I don't think the IRA would ever have set about trying to kill 3,000 people,"
-Tony Blair

It would appear that Mr Blair thinks that one of the terrorist groups that bombed the country I grew up in for 36 years were fluffy bunnies in comparison to the suicide bombers representing Al Quaeda.

Tell that to my mum's cousin who lost her husband then. Tell that to the families of the 1800 people they did kill. Tell that to the families whose young people could see no other future than the provos. Tell that to the couples who had to flee to England because of intimidation.

If the IRA were really the gentleman's terorist, you really might have told me so when had to walk home, lost in the pouring rain and accept the kindness of a random girl from the bus who invited me into her family's house for tea n cake while the madness raged outside preventing me from getting home from school. Would have been nice to know that when my primary school had to spend almost an entire morning lying on the floor in the gym because there had been a paramilitary related shooting outside the school gate. (My teacher still made us bring our work books with us tho - hmmph!)

Tell that to my secondary school teachers who had to put up with our ridiculous prankish behaviour - was it just my school where kids stole wires from the technology lab and shoved them into a lunch box in order to create a security scare? Tell that to me and my friends when we had to be evacuated out of our maths exam (well, maybe that was quite kind of them...)

I'm not arguing that Al Quaeda are a different kind of terrorism than the IRA, nor am I arguing that Al Quaeda have operated on a far larger scale and have been far more deadly.

But what I am arguing is this.

No. 1. The IRA murdered around 1800 people - they weren't nice friendly terrorists. Lets not glam them up or romanticise the republican struggle. People can get very romantic these days about Irish terrorism, but I grew up with it and assure you, it is anything but romantic.

No. 2. We negotiated with the IRA. That is how steps towards peace have been made. I suggest we can learn a few lessons from this. We must listen in humility and be willing to change. Our government, our politics, our foreign policies have all played a role in creating people who feel so angry and disenfranchised that they are willing to turn to terrorist violence. We can and we must be willing to sit down and listen. You can't stop a fire by throwing petrol on it.

This night will pass

This night will pass,
Believe it my friends,
Although the darkness thickens,
Although no way opens,
This night will pass.
You and I my friends
Have an appointed mission
To prepare for the dawn,
To live as though
The dark night was daylight,
As though we feared nothing,
Not suspecting one another ,
But loving, giving and caring,
Smiling freely at strangers,
Being the light,
As we wait.
This night will pass.


"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall - think of it, always." - Gandhi

PS. Cheers Lor for your comment on my previous post.

Quakerism and Me

Alice over at Public Quaker has been answering questions about her Quaker experience as preparation for yearly meeting, which I'm not going to.

But, I wonder if answering the questions for myself might help me to reflect on my own experiences as I've adventured into Quakerism.

1. What Quaker testimonies are most important for you?

Which list of testimonies am I supposed to draw from? Ok, probably equality - because all the others stem from that for me. As I seek to live in a way that affirms the humanity and value of each person, it has enabled me to develop a broader more open approach to others - accepting other faiths, embracing those around me whose cultures may be vastly different from my own, learning to value relationships for relationships sake and not because of the genders of the people involved, and probably most prominently in challenging the way I work as a mental health professional (well, soon to be anyway) wanting to affirm the dignity and value of all people's experiences.

I think it is this committment to equality that leads me on to the other testimonies - compassion, green issues (its not my planet to corrupt, it belongs to all so I better look after it for others), peace (if my neighbour is equal, what right do I have to take up arms against him, or her) etc.

2. What difference do they make in the way you live your life?

I think I've probably covered some of this above.

Recently I've been considering how equality should impact on

-the way I work (how do I ensure that I do not exploit my powerful position as a professional when working with people who are vulnerable - how can I work towards equality between staff and service users? How do I practice equality between myself and my research participants.)

-the way I shop (do the goods I buy exploit other human beings?)

-the way I relate to my wider community, building interfaith and cross racial relationships. Back home in NI I was involved in cross community activities that are probably taking on more meaning for me now than they did when I was actually involved.)

3. In what ways is this difficult?

The jump from ideals to practice is a big one is it not?

Trying to put equality into practice where I work can be difficult - I'm often aware that I am in a very powerful position as a researcher and that I work in a system that is driven by the medical and scientific establishments and isn't always very person focussed (whatever the gimmicks on our mission statements might say.) I'm also very much aware that as I progress in my career, it will be a challenge to live the ideals.

Of course, if I believe all are equal, what right do I have to buy goods that are the fruit of child or sweatshop labour - but have you tried fairtrade shopping - if I stuck to it rigidly I'd be quite naked.

Then there are the people who although I believe all are equal, I also find to be most irritating. That of God might be in everyone, but in some he or she is very well hidden!

I also think political involvement and awareness is really important, but its utterly exhausting to keep up to date with the complexities of politics both local and national and trying to think critically about it can sometimes be nigh on impossible to squeeze into my day.

4. How are you helped by being a Quaker, or involved with other Friends?

Kindred spirits are always inspiring. I think in finding Quakers, I've found people who understand my own quirkiness, who give space to discuss matters of importance in an open and supportive context. It is a humbling challenge to me to meet so many people who are deeply committed and actively involved in their communities, making a positive difference in the world.

Tension mounting...

This weekend I met up with an old friend in London for her birthday - conversation turned briefly to careers, and it looks like we're going to be applying to two of the same clinical psychology training courses in five weeks time. Its a wierd world. If we both get on the same course, it could be wonderful, like old times. If one gets on a course and the other gets rejected - well what a dampner for both of us really.

The clinical psychology training course application process is insane in itself - very busy, very slow and I'm told, very stressful. First there is a monstrosity of an application form where you can apply for up to four places...and then, if you're lucky, there are interviews, and then you might get an offer of a place, rejected or put on a waiting list because some people get more than one offer and everything jiggles around!!

I don't know whether to look forward to it - its a sign of life beyond my PhD, and finally I feel like I'm making steps towards the career I want. On the other hand, the stakes are high, the competition is stiff and I could be disappointed.

To make matters worse, I know some courses are particularly keen to attract PhD students, and some are less phased. I've decided to go for the courses that are less phased by PhDs, as they to tend to be a bit more humanistic and eclectic in their approach - my current supervisors might say they were fluffy. :S. But I have to ask myself what sort of psychologist do I want to be and decide to apply to those courses who will nurture critical thought, reflective thinking and perhaps a slightly more radical approach.

Expect more hyper blog entries of me fretting and panicking and worrying and second guessing and hoping and waiting....

Dark days

Last week, a suspected terrorist was shot dead by police in London. I had mixed feelings about it at the time. If he was carrying explosives, then surely it must be better for him to be shot by the police and thus loose only one life, than for him to blow up himself and many others. But then again, how does anyone know who is a terrorist and who is not.

Yesterday morning, I went to the newsagents to pick up a Sunday paper in preparation for a long awaited lazy Sunday morning. I hadn't even looked at the headlines until at the desk about to pay. Then I saw it - the man who was shot at close range by police was innocent, had never been suspected of any contact with terrorists - a young life, so brutally and quickly taken. His only crimes seem to be living in the same block of flats as the suspected bombers and wearing a padded jacket on a warm day.

In a discussion about this someone pointed out to me that the young man did not stop - but hang on a minute, how was he asked to stop, was he asked politely? I doubt it. He was chased by men in plain clothes (how was he to know they were police) pointing a gun - what would I have done? I suspect I might have ran too. The psychologist in me knows how easily mistakes can be made - how groups can act impulsively and cloud one another's judgement especially when split second decisions must be made, how deadly a mixture fear and the desire to save one's city and community can be and how in this current climate of fear, suspicion and hyper-vigilance, we can expect more terrible, terrible mistakes.

One of the things that bothers me most about all this are the reports that the man was shot 5 times in the head at close range. Why 5 times? What were the psychological states of the police concerned here? Fear? Heroism? Terror? Shock? Anger?

We have had another dark day, another innocent has been slaughtered, another young man has turned into a killer - I cannot imagine what damage this action will have done to the man who did the action and to all those responsible - the wider police community and government policy makers. It is a tragedy, we must lay aside excuses and face up to these tough questions and do everything we can to find another way.

The truth will set you free

In response to my last post I have decided to be open about who I am living with. Moving in with my partner has been the best thing I've done this year, and I'm really happy about it. There was never any conflict in our minds that this was the right thing for us to do and the right time for us to do it. Sharing my life with him in a new way is precious to both of us and an important part in my life now. To not mention it would be hiding it.

Friendships and relationships are only possible if we actually know who we are friends with, and that means being willing to share our lives openly with others. Several years ago, a good friend of mine came out as gay to me, fearing my reaction. She had tried to hide it from me, fearing that I would be disapproving and we were both aware that we were both acting suspicious and cagey as a result. Her coming out was liberating for both of us. The new found honesty brought a new depth, closeness and freshness to our friendship. This weekend I'm driving to London to meet her new girlfriend :).

Her honesty also gave me the opportunity to do some coming out myself in choosing to support her, flying in the face of my conservative church background. I remember going to church not long after her coming out and the pastor giving some nonsense about the perversion of homosexuality. I had a long debate with him afterwards and finally decided that it was the final straw and it was time for me to move on. And yes, it was a very happy moment :D!

If I hadn't reacted well, I suppose we would have lost our friendship, and it would have been my fault, not her's.

The friends I am writing to were leaders in the church I went to back home in NI. They have since moved to the south of Ireland to set up a church plant there and although we kept in touch with letters about once or twice a year, we haven't done recently. They are wonderful, caring and gentle people and have been very supportive friends to me in the past. I value their friendship, they are good people and I have a lot of respect for them.

I do not expect that they will send a 'congratulations on your new home' card, but I do feel that if we are going to be able to continue our friendship then I cannot try to hide something that is now such a wonderful and important part of my life. I won't pre-empt a negative response - I shall hope to be pleasantly surprised! I'll simply mention it as I report back on lots of pieces of news that have happened to me of late. It will leave the door open to our friendship continuing in the future. If I get unlucky and they react really badly (which I would be very surprised by I should say) then so be it - I have plenty of other friends!

When writing a letter to old friends...

Does one mention developments (e.g. I have moved into a lovely flat, with my boyfriend, who I'm not married to) in one's life that said old friends might disapprove off?

Is hiding acting ashamed (which I am not), or is it tactful (why risk potentially offending someone)?

*Sigh*

Dilemmas :S.

Good album

Here's to impulse buying at Tescos...I'm telling you it just leapt into my trolley and hid behind the cucumbers. Honest ;)

Work

Sometimes I really hate my PhD. Actually, its not my PhD that I hate - its all the red tape and beaurocracy that goes with it. The phone calls that go

ME: 'Hello, I'd like you to send me through confirmation that you have processed form 123'
RED TAPE OFFICE #1: 'We're sorry, we need to you to send in form 321 before we can do that. Oh and we'll email our you brand new 20 page form for you to complete as well.'
ME: 'Er thanks...I'll call the 321 people and get back to you.'

Ring ring

ME: 'Hello, I'd like you to send me through confirmation that you have processed form 321'
RED TAPE OFFICE #2: 'We're sorry, we need you to send in form 456 before we can do that. Also, we have another 15 page super complicated form for you to complete and get signed by the Queen herself before we can do anything.'
ME:'Ok then, I'll call the 456 people.'

ME:'Hello, I'd like you to send me through confirmation that you have processed form 456'
RED TAPE OFFICE #3 'We're sorry we need to hear from the 123 people that your study has been approved before we can send you form 456.'
ME: 'Really, because the 123 people asked to hear from the 321 people who said they can't send them anything until they've heard from you 456 people and if you don't send me your form then the 321 people will not tell the 123 people that they have processed their form...'
RED TAPE OFFICE #3: 'Did we mention that you also need to complete this 30 page form before we can...'
ME: 'Very nice but my email is now full of forms and it has crashed. Oh look, computer services are on the other line demanding to know why my mail box is being bombed by beaurocratic offices!!!'

It makes me feel like this:

You and Me

You were Catholic
I was Protestant
But I could have been Jewish
You could have been Muslim
Your family could have been Israeli
Or mine Palestinian
You could have been white
I could have been Asian.

We lived on the same street
We went to different schools
I wasn't allowed to go to your's
Not the right religion
Or something.
And you didn't want to travel
Twenty miles to come to mine.
We lived across the road
We crossed paths
When our schools
Had cross community days
And laughed at the irony.

We played, we laughed
Until the day
The bombs went off.

The phonecall came
Your mum or mine
I can't remember.

Get home as quick as you can
Both of you.

We ran.

We got lost,
Familiar roads cordoned off.

This might take a while.

A six mile walk, to make it two miles home
Through the countryside.
Maybe this isn't so bad after all,
We stopped for coke and tayto crisps.

Was it your group
Or my group
Blowing up our town.

Why does it matter?

You or me
Yours or mine.

The bombs didn't care.
Nor do I.

Smile

"Bear witness to the humanity of all people..." (Quaker Advices and Queries, British Yearly Meeting)

"Even a smile is charity." (Mohammad)

I remain disturbed at the outpouring of fear I am encountering amongst my fellow psychologists, and wondering how on earth we can maintain and build community relationships in a multicultural society when people are switching tube carriages and getting off buses when they see young Asian men.

Perhaps the best I can do for now is to do the very opposite and be ever so very un-British about it. We should remember that all those we pass on the street, be they off a different race or culture, be they drug addicts begging for a few pence to buy "tea", they are all human. Perhaps all that it takes is for each of us to recognise one another's humanity and dare to make eye contact and offer a gentle smile to all.

I'll try not to look like the picture when I'm doing it!


The piece of Quaker advice that I quoted at the top of the page is part of a fuller extract from A&Q which reads,

"Are you alert to practices here and throughout the world which discriminate against people on the basis of who or what they are or because of their beliefs? Bear witness to the humanity of all people, including those who break society's conventions or its laws. Try to discern new growing points in social and economic life. Seek to understand the causes of injustice, social unrest and fear. Are you working to bring about a just and compassionate society which allows everyone to develop their capacities and fosters the desire to serve?"

Perhaps it might be worth pointing to an article in 'The Psychologist' - then main general psychology publication from the British Psychological Society which suggests that terrorists are not lunatics, madmen or animals, but acting in a way that is understandable if one takes into account their social and political context. The implications of this for how we should respond to terrorism are too important and potentially too costly to ignore.

Click here for the article.

Worrying...

I am part of an online group for people who want to be clinical psychologists. Its a tough career path, and very competitive and in theory we support one another in applying for training posts, share information about specific areas in which we have had experience and that sort of thing. Inevitably, discussion strays on to other areas from time to time, and its certainly a welcome distraction from work sometimes.

Today, someone posted about feeling scared on the London underground and trying to avoid sitting close to Asian men on public transport in London - changing tube carriages, getting off buses etc. While this reaction is understandable and should not be responded to with anything other than empathy and understanding - it also needs, in my humble opinion, to be recognised as irrational, and challenged lest it sow the seeds of segregation and future animosity along racial and/or religious lines.

I was rather surprised by the number of psychology students (who I always assumed are generally open minded and accepting people) who actually defended their actions in the face of quite reasonable challenge from others - words like, 'I have a right to protect myself.'

Oh dear...

I wasn't going to blog about the London attacks today, feeling that it is time to move on to other areas of discussion, but this is really bothering me. I wonder if I have acquired any Muslim readers as a result of my attempt to broaden out my blog a little. If I have, I would be grateful for your insights and thoughts on this sort of behaviour.

Also - those of you who are in America, and particularly those of you who were in New York at the time of the September 2001 attacks, how did you find this sort of phenomenon there and how did you overcome it and move on? (Or did you?) We must be serious about loving our Muslim, Asian and Pakistani neighbours, and we must find ways to help one another understand our fears whilst also challenging our prejudice.

Discoveries

My blog has been dealing in rather heavy subject matters this week - so I thought I'd let you all know about a light hearted discovery I made today.

I now know what cilantro is!!!

I assumed it was some kind of mystical American ingredient that I couldn't get in the UK. But no - its boring old coriander - that makes my American-English (which isn't English at all if you ask me, so there) cookbook much easier to understand.

Reminds me of going to the shop (sorry, grocery store) in New York (Food Emporium on 2nd Ave near 32nd st to be precise) with a craving for spinach pie and trying to buy some ready made pastry. I must have spent 15 minutes talking to someone who kept asking all his colleagues, 'Do you know what pastry is?'. I got really frustrated and in the end decided to go home defeated - I was just at the door of the shop when I remembered and rushed back the the shop assistant shouting, 'PIE CRUST!!! I want to buy some ready made PIE CRUST!!!!' Woo hoo!

And a very nice spinach pie it was too.

Not a dicky bird

I've not heard anything from the Belfast telegraph about my comments on Steven King's article. However a similar letter was published on 12.07.05 here.

I know several other people wrote in after I did - thanks y'all. We can only hope that it will make a small difference. I was talking to a really good friend of mine who lives in London. She is a Muslim - her family want her to get out of London. A Muslim lady had her headscarf set alight not far from where she lives, and there were children shouting abuse outside the mosque her family attends, as people went to worship.

I will try to remember that next time I enter the Quaker meeting house and wonder what it would be like to be shouted at by children as I go in.

The involvement of children in this sort of activities really bothers me. A few years ago in the delightful "holiday" that is Northern Ireland's marching season, there had been a spate of car hijackings all over the country. Most people think of big strapping crowds of men hijacking cars, but a lot of the time, its not like that. Most of the people I saw causing trouble, stopping cars and intimidating people out of them couldn't have been fifteen years old - some were, I'm sure as young as 10 or 11. (Of course, we don't release this information to the national news - how embarrassing to realise that Ulster's teeny-boppers bring our country to a halt each summer!)

I turned out of our road and got half way to the end of the main road, whereupon I saw about 10 kids waiting for me with big sticks. I did a very fast U-turn and drove right back home again, deciding that whatever I was going out for wasn't all that important after all.

I think the greatest tragedy, isn't so much the burnt out cars - we have insurance (and in NI, we pay through the roof for car insurance because of it). Its not having to walk home because your car has been stolen. Its the fact that our children and young people are doing it. That is the greatest tragedy. What sort of community are we building?