How to survive your PhD Viva

I have my viva (thesis defence for those in the States) coming up far sooner than I would like. (Then again, wasn't it me who begged and pleaded with the examiners to squeeze in a pre-Xmas viva so it wasn't looming over the holidays...)

Anyway, so I have been hunting down advice on the internet for how to manage the damn thing...

This is the best I have come across

Things to Say and Do Guaranteed to
Spice up Your Thesis and Dissertation Defenses

Begin the defense by charging a cover and checking for ID.

Charge a two-drink minimum.

Begin with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem."

Follow that with a joke that starts with "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."

Bring coffee and charge 25 cents a cup.

"Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

Describe parts of your dissertation using interpretive dance.

Lead your committee members in a Wave.

Break the tension at appropriate moments with a sing-a-long.

Answer tough queries with "You call THAT a question? How'd you ever get to be a professor?"

Have bodyguards outside the room to discourage attendance of certain professors.

Present your defense using puppets.

Before you begin your presentation, sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.

In addition, pass a collection basket.

Answer complex issues in mime.

Use the ocassion to hold a Tupperware party.

Have bikini-clad models in charge of changing your overheads.

At approximately the mid-point of your defense bring out maracas and shout "Everybody rumba!!"

Explain nonsignificant findings with "It would have worked if it weren't for those f*%ing kids."

Refuse to answer tough questions "in protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities."

Offer door prizes and conduct a raffle.

Ask professors to "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer."

Interrupt every 15 minutes with the announcement "And now, a word from our sponsor."

Present critical parts of your defense in iambic pentameter.

In your announcement, inform your committee that it will be a black tie affair.

Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.

Announce to your committee that "There will be a short quiz after my presentation."

Bring your pet boa.

Bring snacks and start a food fight.

Slap your committee chair with a glove and challenge him to a duel.

Arrange for a halftime show.

Bring a big foam hand that says "I'm #1."

Pass out souvenier matchbooks.

Hang a pinata over the table and hire a strolling mariachi band.

Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question asked.

Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.

When necessary, say "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."

Dress in top hat and tails.

Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.

If you sense that things are not going well, threaten to detonate a small nuclear device in the room.

Show slides of your last vacation.

Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.

If members of the committee begin to argue among themselves announce: "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."

When in trouble, begin speaking in tongues.

Answer every question with a question.

Hand out 3-D glasses.

Announce credits at the end. Include a "key grip" and a "best boy."

Make a practice of replying, "Sure, I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you."

Ask a friend and conspirator to attend and ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying. Be sure to include fake blood. Turn to your committee and ask "Other questions?"

Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, a clown nose, and nothing else.

Install "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.

Use a TelePromTer

Alter the clocks in the room and begin your defense 15 minutes before anyone arrives.